>I want to thank all of you for your educational
>e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed
>up now and have little chance of recovery.
>

> I no longer open a bathroom door without
> using a paper towel, or have the waitress put
> lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
> about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
>
> I can't
> use the remote in a hotel room because I
> don’t know what the last person was doing while
> flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
> I can’t
> sit down on the hotel bedspread because I
> can only imagine what has happened on it since
> it was last washed..hmmmm
>
> I have
> trouble shaking hands with
> someone who has been driving because the number
> one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s
> nose.
>
> Eating a
> little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
> can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats
> I have consumed over the years
>
> I can’t
> touch any woman’s purse for fear
> she has placed it on the floor of a public
> bathroom.
>
> I MUST
> ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever
> sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have
>to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
> sealing.
>
> ALSO, now I have
> to scrub the top of every can I open for the
> same reason.
>
> I no
> longer have any savings because I
> gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
> about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no
> longer have any money, but that
> will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
>in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no
> longer worry about my soul because I
> have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
> and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I can’t
> have a drink in a bar because
> I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my
> kidneys gone.
>
> I can’t
> eat at KFC because
> their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
>
> I can’t
> use cancer-causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
> day.
>
> THANKS TO
> ALL OF YOU I have
> learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
> make a wish within five minutes.
>
> BECAUSE OF
> YOUR CONCERN, I no
> longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> toilet stains.
>
> I no
> longer buy gas without
> taking someone along to watch the car so a
> serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when
> I’m filling up.
>
> I no
> longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the
> people who make these products are atheists who
> refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
>
> I no
> longer use Cling Wrap in the
> microwave because it causes seven different
> types of cancer.
>
> THANKS TO
> YOU I can’t
> use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
> snake could be lurking under the seat and cause
> me instant death when it bites my butt.
>
>
> AND THANKS
> TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t
> ever pick up a Pennie dropped in the parking lot
> because it probably was placed there by a sex
> molester waiting to grab me as I bend
>over.
>
> I no
> longer drive my car because
> buying gas from some companies supports Al
> Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports
>South American dictators.
>
> I can’t
> do any gardening because
> I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin
> Spider and my
> hand will fall off.
>
>
> If you
> don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm.
> tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120
>camels will infest your back, causing you to grow
>a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
>actually happened to a friend of my next door
>neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s
>cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
>
>
> Oh, by the
> way.....
>
> A German
> scientist from Argentina , after a
> lengthy study, has discovered that people with
> insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
> with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don’t bother
> taking it off now, it’s too late.
>
>
> PS: I now keep
> my toothbrush in the living room, because I was
> told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft.
> out of the toilet